So hard it takes your breath away.
This is what my week has been like. I'm not sure why so much this week but maybe thinking that it coinciding with me going back to work and another part of my life returning to 'normal' was maybe what triggered it. Grief is a funny thing, it makes you think about things from so many different angles. Well it has for me, I'm much more open minded and less critical of myself and others. I'm calmer in many ways, I'm grateful, I've learnt.
Later on this week I've had to deal with the coroner, and finding some things out have hit me hard too. Then today I just broke. I woke up after a long night with a teething baby, I was so tired. I couldn't sleep in between the baby waking as I thought about my dad. I got up and the first thing I thought of was my dad, how I so wished I could just give him a call again. You know, its silly but I feel so sorry for him. He's not here enjoying his life, I feel bad that he isn't.
So I got up and went about my business and then it hit me, he's never coming back, ever. The feeling of grief is unbearable, some days like today, it feels like something is literally stuck in my throat and I can't breathe. It just grabs hold of me and my god, it hurts. It hurts so much. I hurt for me, for my mum, for my brother and sister. The grandchildren. Everyone. I cried, I had to let it all out. I wanted to scream and shout and throw myself on he floor like a petulant child and demand to know why my dad was taken so early. Why? But I couldn't, my little baby was sat there looking at me. Totally innocent from what has gone on. I envy that. So I sat there and cried silent big fat tears, whilst this raw feeling in my heart felt like it was getting more raw with each tear, and the feeling of loss so real.
Then it stopped.
The tears dried up, I got up. Picked up my phone and text my brother and sister and told them I missed dad, these group messages keep me going. I text them a lot. It helps. Then I put my dads music on, his playlist from the funeral of all his favourite songs. I went about my morning, texting, listening to music playing with the baby and doing some jobs. Normal things, but normal things with a very heavy heart.
Life goes on, well you go through the motions. I'm not sure it'll ever get easier, but I'm sure one day this raw pain I'm living with I'll get used to. In the meantime I hope my dad is watching over us, and can see how much we miss him.